ME HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF
Almost two years ago, I burst into work, flushed with that fever feeling of LUV. I was exuberant. I was dancing a little. I was annoying my co-worker so he took a video of me professing my LUV for the person I was currently seeing. Then he said, Elysia I'm going to show this to you again--in 6 months when it's over. And while that may seem mean on the surface--it's actually hilarious. I've had this problem my whole life. When I meet someone who excites me romantically, I rush. I throw myself headlong into emotional relationships with the people I'm fucking. I try them on, fully, no panties. And when they don't fit, I throw them over the dressing room door to be put away by someone else.
Lately, I've been grappling with this a lot because *I'm screaming* I'M A PARTNER PERSON. Dear god. I'm a libra and I'm a twin??? Like what else would you expect? But, what I'm realizing is that my problem lies in this. What am I running to? And, what am I running from? My new manuscript is about untangling this thread, from the genetic disposition to run away from hard things to "make your own happiness" no matter the cost to others, to the learned behavior of managing people's emotional experiences. It causes a lot of guilt. Like most reasonable people, I hate hurting feelings. So when the cost to others is that--a broken heart, disillusionment, etc, I feel pretty awful but this ingrained nearly sociopathic disassociation that I'm capable of with past lovers is the real scary thing.
That's what running away has meant for me. I refuse to step into the emotion of a break-up. At least for the past two years. Honestly, it has been freeing to be able to be: this doesn't fit. I'm leaving. A wonderful result of the traumatic relationship that disrupted my life and landed me in Indianapolis. But, the cost to those I've dated is something I want to work harder to navigate. I've been telling myself to stop jumping the gun but turns out that doesn't work. This last time, I tried utter transparency. Like, this is how I date. I do it to the max and then when it doesn't feel right, I leave. I told the person I realized this was disorienting but that was a risk they had to choose if they wanted to take. They took it. And ended up hurt. Now is that their fault?
It shouldn't be.
Lately I've been running to people who are baseline nice to me. It took a very long time to understand that I don't have to earn affection and love. So when someone is kind, thoughtful, we have good conversations, and they aren't going to gaslight, belittle, or abuse me, I jump. But that's not enough for me and it's not fair to anyone in the equation. Waiting it out makes me feel like it will never happen. I'll get bored of courting and that's that, so I throw in a dash of magic, I let myself feel big things, until I realize it's all a show and for whom? Patience is probably my least honed virtue. And a thing I plan to spend time with these last 6 months of 2019. My lack of it has gotten me into so much trouble, and I've already seen positive results in how I apply patience in my professional life so why not my romantic life as well? So here I am, blowing kisses under the clock tower, riding my bike, and kicking your ass at pool until I'm ready.
xxx